dance. dancedance. dance. CRAZY. CRAZY. CRZY. CRZY. // -ation
"dance, dance / we're falling apart to half time"
fallout boy. "dance, dance"
i. 3rd floor party and the lights are out
me, the red-shirt glory monger
fist full of flask, flask full of spiritus
mundi mind-fuck. I'm quasi-transcendent
as the line evolves. I want to fuck.
ii. at dino's, I'm
high
resolution and widescreen panoramic
shoe-gazing at her left tit, hoping for a contact
high.
iii. still at dino's parts 3-10 and the bolshevik revolution is happening in my head
horny as rose is thorny,
I'm tripping dance steps like angry fractals:
bitch, try to bite this -
i'm a fucking oyster and my pearl's a diamond.
Then it's like acoustic guitar, like agammenon
said fuck troy, changed his mind, took up
Love.
iv. phone sex
is the only way into a man, the only come
down worth coming down for.
His short breaths itch my short hairs
and my state stutters out, 'emergency'
before it all goes white, cut the sound
fade to black, cue the lights.
1 comment:
thanks for the comments on mine, b$.
as for yours, you know me and my lack of critical faculties, but these are my ideas:
i: gotta stop using transcendent, homes. That word has never meant what you're going for. It's a placeholder, a word that has already been rendered meaningless. especially considering how fucking boss the first stanza is.
ii: this stanza doesn't have it going on like the rest of the poem; you definitely DO need a ii stanza, i'm with you 100% there, but it's reading like an aside in a poem full of truth, y a know? doesn't get the same thrill as the rest, though i do like the fact that much like the speaker of the poem, that stanza is catching a contact high from the rest of the poem. it's brutal in it's own little way - "shoe-gazing at her left tit" is painting bachannalia as inventoried tedium, which is cool, but it's not as shadangadang as the rest.
iii. after overcoming my initial dislike of the first three lines, i now love the entirety of three. the middle two lines are such an outstanding changeup - it's awesome awesome awesome. seriously. you even monostrophe "Love" and I adore it. Good work man.
iv. the only thing i'd change is "emergency," because people's bodies in poems are always getting out emergencies or "9-1-1" or morse coding SOS. But, that's it. the last two lines are just so stage direction contradictory, it's hard not to love it.
like "you've got to will the thing together" i feel "Then it's like acoustic guitar, like agammemnon" will work itself into my syntax. in a more random, yet satisfying way. totally killer.
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